Sunday 24 January 2016

5 Inconvenient Truths About Being A Teen Mum

I’ve mentioned about being a teen parent in previous posts, but for those of you who don’t know... I became pregnant with my first child while still in high school. It probably wasn’t the smartest life choice for me, however, I don’t feel like I have been held back from anything important. I still managed to finish all my high school exams and get into a fantastic university. I also managed to graduate with a 2:1 degree and secure a place as a PhD student. 
 
 
Nevertheless, I thought I would share with you some of the more inconvenient aspects I have encountered after deciding to raise a family at a young age:

Negative Stigma
 
Firstly (and most obvious) - the negative stigma associated with being a teen parent. When my daughter was still a baby, I would travel by bus a lot in order to do my shopping or visit different people. Time and again, people (mostly the older generation) would stare and tut under their breath. I would get comments such as ‘Don’t you think you’re too young to have a baby?’ and ‘How old are you then?’ I would often wonder what makes these people think they are entitled to an opinion on my choice to have children?! If they say these things to me, are they saying them to other young mothers? They have to understand that their comments only result in vulnerable young women feeling hurt and angry. Your words are not encouraging these mothers to achieve and are instead, isolating them further!
 
Dating
 
It is not often that teenagers can stick together once a baby is introduced into the relationship – I was no exception. My relationship broke down not long after my daughter was born. It was easy to see that we were not meant for each other once we attempted the task of parenting. After another failed relationship with a uni friend, I turned to online dating in an effort to find my soul mate. I was lucky – after my second date, Paul appeared in my life and we now have another child together - others are not so fortunate.
 
Isolation From Friends
 
While a couple of my high school friends have also had children, my friends from uni are only just embarking on their parenting journey - ten years after I started mine! A couple of my uni friends had a wee girl not long before Christmas (find out more here) and I now finally feel like I have people to share my problems with. It’s very difficult for those who don’t have children to understand the general stresses that come with raising them. Only other parents will appreciate the funny side of dealing with a ‘poonami’ at 3am!
 
Non-Retired Parents
 
When I was born, my Grandma retired to look after me – when my daughter was born, my Mum was 20+ years away from retirement! Now, I don’t see our parents only as cheap babysitters, but it would make our life easier if they weren’t working! At approximately £1000 per month for childcare, we'd jump at any chance to reduce our costs!
 
Finally – The ‘soon-to-expire’ Provisional Driving License
 
I had every intention of learning to drive as soon as possible, but something always seems to get in the way. The only use my provisional has seen was as an entrance ticket to the various clubs I frequented during the start of uni, and now I don't even need it for that! I’m pretty sure I would have passed by now if it wasn’t for the kids, perhaps I can make it next year’s resolution!
 
Despite these downsides to my parenting experience, I would not change any of it! Parenting is going to be a challenge whatever your personal circumstances, but the important thing is learning how to cope. 
 
Have any of you encountered any similar challenges on your journey? I'd love to hear about your experiences in the comments section :)
 
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36 comments

  1. You are a fantastic Mum Elanor! Meghan and Logan are a total credit to you.
    Laura xx

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    1. Aww, thanks so much! Wish it felt like that when we are getting screamed at over something stupid haha! :) xx

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  2. I hate it when people make judgments about others down to lifestyle choices such as when they choose to have kids. I know people who had kids quite young and they're fantastic parents as I am sure you are. x

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    1. Thanks :) I'm sick of the judgement, it feels like you never really escape it, even ten years later!

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  3. I was 21 when I had my first girl, 22 when I had my second and 25 when I had my third. Even my doctor made a disapproving comment, but in my experience being a 'young mum' is the best choice I have ever made. The little inconveniences you run it to along the way are just that and you learn daily how to deal with them.

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    1. I've had disapproving comments from doctors and nurses too, you'd think they would know better... :(

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  4. I was a young parent (18) and I got grief too, to be honest I think some people are just looking for excuses to put others down and I don't feel like age defines who you are as parents! I always think that my son will get more time with us and his grandparents (he might not be thrilled about that as a teenager but still :p ) ... I don't know what it is about driving either though! I delayed things so long that I had to re-take my theory test! haha maybe we can make it this years resolution together!!

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    1. Haha, I never even got round to the theory test, I kept failing all the practice ones! I also don't deal well with stress, so I'm trying to build up the confidence to start lessons again!

      I totally agree with you with respect to the kids having their grandparents for longer, my grandma died when I was 11 and I miss her terribly :(

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  5. I have to say I admire young mums/parents and anyone who judges them for it needs to take a step back. I was 24 when I had my daughter and even then I would get odd looks, especially as I don't look my age at all, I really began resenting being pregnant and still now at almost 27 I get those disapproving looks! At the end of the day whatever age you are when you have a child you all face the same realities. I'm sure you are a fantastic mum and are a stronger woman for having putting up with the stigma and negativity that's associated with being a teen mum from people who don't know anything about it! ... Sorry for the essay! :)

    Georgia X

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    1. It's a shame, I've not really enjoyed either of my pregnancies, while I love my kids, I never felt like being pregnant was something to celebrate :(

      It's such a shame that you also experienced the funny looks, even at 24, it drives me insane!

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  6. Amazing that you managed to go through uni with a child I don't think I could handle that! x

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    1. If it wasn't for the support from my parents, I wouldn't have managed it. Now I rely heavily on my partner, I would not be surviving my PhD without him! :)

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  7. You are fantastic and brave. People can be really harsh with teen pregnancy. You've got so much to be proud of x

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    1. Thanks so much, I try and think about what I've achieved whenever folk are nasty to me :)

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  8. Totally agree with you! I had my daughter at 19 in the middle of uni and still encountered so much stigma and stereotypes, despite graduating with a first and now about to start my masters - it's ridiculous! (and yes, so with you on learning to drive... I've given up on cars for now, think a scooter will be easier haha!) Great post x

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    1. Thanks! Well done on getting a first for your degree, it's not easy even without kids! Best of luck with the masters, I'm sure you will smash it and do excellently! :)

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  9. I think for our generation, regardless of when we get pregnant, our parents are usually still working with the way the world is now. I loved having the support of my grandparents during my childhood, I wish that could still be the same. Both my and my husband's parents are still in the workforce.

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    1. My dad has recently retired, but he moved away to Kenya... I know my kids would have loved it if he'd stayed around here instead!

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  10. You make very good points! All four of my kids grandparents are also still working. However, I definitely get what you mean. :) The division from friends is sad as well. Sucks that that happens but you learn who your true friends are!

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    1. Exactly, all the people who drifted away from me are now starting families and I think they are realising how difficult it can be :)

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  11. Wow, I don't hear a lot of stories about teen moms who grow up to push it and become successful! You are a motivation to so many people. This is amazing! <3

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    1. Thanks so much! I think I would get too bored sat at home, and it would definition duck if I let all the opportunities I've had pass me by! :)

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  12. Thanks for sharing. Teen parenting is not anything I wish on anyone, but I know some fantastic parents who started their journey in parenting early. Unfortunately, one of my friends also lost her first child to cancer while she was only 25. And the comments do not ever stop, no matter how old you are. I am in my 30s, with 5 children, and people think I am younger and always feel the need to remind me what causes pregnancy. Even go so far to suggest abstinence with my husband. You tell me, old man, how would that have worked on your marriage. I'm not in the workforce right now, but man, is childcare so expensive. And really, here, not that many families are involved in that, but in our culture it is the norm to have multiple generations in the home which helps a lot in child rearing.

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    1. I can't believe someone would suggest how to manage your sex life... Is there no shame! I'm so sorry to hear about your friend too, I can't imagine losing either of my children... I hope she has managed to get the support she needs.

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  13. The stigma is only there if you allow it to penetrate your life. Perception is reality...so remember, your perception is Your reality. It sounds like you're an awesome mother, and mistake or God's plan, you'll never know. So keep your head up and keep doing the best you can. You can still accomplish goals and reach your dreams.

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    1. This is such a lovely comment, thank you! I try hard to ignore the stigma, and it's definitely easier not that I'm older, I just feel sorry for all the other girls who have to suffer the same comments... :(

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  14. It's amazing that you've been able to accomplish so much! Go you!

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    1. Thanks, I wouldn't have managed it without the help of my parents :)

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  15. Great post! I became a parent at 26, but a single parent for the pregnancy and the first year. I also didn't have any family around, since I'd moved three states away from my family two years prior. It was HARD. I felt isolated, I felt like I lost all social life, and I felt like I couldn't really go anywhere (because I really couldn't - I couldn't afford a babysitter, and everywhere I wanted to go was 21+).

    Despite that, I love my baby like I love no other person on the planet. I just had a second baby (my kids' dad and I tried again, and it's working out better this time, although by no means perfect), and it's so much easier with a partner.

    I couldn't even imagine doing this at a younger age. Good for you, looking on the bright side of things. I need to do that more often!

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    1. Parenting is definitely hard whatever your circumstances, but I would agree with you about it being easier with a partner - I had a second child when I was 23 and my partner is a huge support!

      My next challenge is dealing with my daughters biological dad - she has recently started asking difficult questions and I don't want to hide him away from her and have her resent me later in life...

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  16. amazing! You are an inspiration for everyone who fight the stereotypes and the prejudices to live their dreams.
    All the best to you for your life ahead. looking forward to read more from your pen.

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    1. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, especially when you were having so much trouble getting it to work. I've only been blogging for a short time, but I'm looking forward to coming up with other ideas that may help people :)

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  17. One of the young women who lived on my freshman hall had a child while we were in undergrad. I was so impressed that she managed to graduate on time with the rest of us, and stay involved with school activities. We went to a private, conservative-ish university that was academically-challenging, and I know it couldn't have been easy for her.

    We will all face our own challenges in life, though, and what matters is how we handle them. Good for you for getting through the ridiculous judgment and the crazy dating scene!

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    1. That's amazing that she managed to live with her child on campus, I stayed with my mum and dad and travelled everyday. Without them, there's no way I would have been able to manage all the bills!

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  18. You are just lovely for being so honest!

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    1. Thanks so much Jessica, I think it's important to talk about these things :)

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