It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal post – it seems like the past month has consisted of product reviews and other people’s stories… When you’re under a lot of stress, it’s sometimes difficult to put your own thoughts into words - describing how gloriously relaxing your bath is remains an easier option! Last night, the Child Support Agency (CSA) left a message on my phone and today I found out why…
I’ve mentioned before that I was a teen parent and, until I met Paul, relied exclusively on help from my Mum and Dad as I coped with being a single mother. My daughter’s dad was never really around and has only contributed sporadically to her upbringing over the course of her life. This year she will be 10 – I can’t believe I’ve managed to keep a whole other human alive for a decade when I can barely look after myself!
After finishing today’s lunch, I suddenly realised I needed to call the CSA back and find out what their message was all about. These phone calls usually fill me with fear – my ex-partner does not have the best reputation for being reliable, so any conversation with the CSA usually ends in disappointment. A couple of weeks ago, I was sent a revised payment schedule after the agency finally tracked down his latest place of work… Today I found out he no longer works there!
You can imagine my frustration – I work hard to provide for my child, make sure she never wants for anything, while her father continues to ignore her very existence! He never contacts me or sees his child, he continually drifts between jobs and whenever the CSA question him, he maintains that she is no longer his daughter as she has been adopted. While I would agree that he should no longer have parental responsibility if Paul had adopted her, the fact remains that she cannot be adopted because he refuses to give his permission!
I’m sorry, but if you want to be a parent then you should provide for your child and be part of their life!!
Before anyone misunderstands the purpose of my rant – it’s not about the money. Given his unreliability, I have always planned my finances without expecting any contribution from my ex. It's just that I'm now more concerned about how his absence is affecting my daughter. Despite calling Paul ‘dad’, she is at an age where she understands relationships much more and regularly asks me why her ‘real dad’ doesn’t see her. I have never restricted his access, even when adoption was a consideration, but he has failed to make any effort for almost 10 years!
Despite trying to explain that Paul is a better dad than she could ever hope for, I often feel like my words are of little comfort - I know she still feels like something is missing. While I know she has very little respect for the guy, it’s clear that she still feels a sense of curiosity about him. I’ve asked her if she wants me to contact him, but her only response is ‘I don’t know’.
So I suppose my question is - what do I do next? I don’t want her to see him and be disappointed, but what would hurt her the least? Do I try to contact him, or should I hope that he will eventually make an effort of his own accord (perhaps he might even see this post)?
I’m sure I’m not the only one to encounter this problem and I would love to hear of any advice you guys could offer!
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My mum had me young too and my dad was never in my life. He left when I was 3 weeks and never got in contact again despite living down the road from me. My mum never EVER stopped him from coming to see or denied me access to see him. From your daughters perspective when I got to 13 I decided to write to my dad and I did meet him. I am nearly 21 now and have seen him 2. I was disappointed, I don't know what I expected really... I knew he wasn't a real dad by any means but the reason I wanted to see him was due to curiosity. I wanted to know who the other half of me was and once I did I felt odd. I felt odd because I realised that he isn't a part of me at all. Sure biologically he is but I don't actually think that means anything. If your daughter wants to meet him she will accept who he is and understand that she is better off without him. Ah I have so much to say on this topic! But this was a really good post, and very, very relatable as I was once in your daughters shoes. Take care. You're amazing, single mums (even with a new partner) are superwomen in my eyes! And trust me, me and my mum have an unbreakable bond, best friends and sisters! I am sure you and your daughter will be the same.
ReplyDeleteEmily www.loveemilyjayne.blogspot.com x
Thanks Emily for your lovely comment! While I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, it's great to know that my daughter is not alone in this situation. I'm hoping she eventually gets closure for this part of her life, I'm just sorry I can't do more to help her... :/
DeleteMy situation was different, as a child as my dad did make an effort to see me and my brother but doesn't really make an effort now. I think you just have to step aside and let her make an effort with him, if she wants to, and let him make an effort with her, that way she'll know you never stood in the way of any potential relationship between the two of them x
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think that will be my plan going forward. I think she knows that I would never stand in her way, but she also likes to make sure she's not upsetting anyone at the same time, even though I've told her she could never upset me by trying to see her dad :)
DeleteYou've basically described my father. I am still bitter about not seeing him, not being told his address. The CSA where involved back then but they were never much use. I'd encourage your daughter to meet her father.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice, sorry to hear about your family situation. I will definitely keep checking if she wants to see him and I won't stand in her way if she does. Hopefully the whole situation doesn't affect her badly later in life...
DeleteIt sounds like you're doing a great job and as a woman who has also been raised by a step father (also a Paul!) your daughter will come to understand everything when she's older. A brave and well written post though. I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteThanks, it's definitely something I felt I needed to get off my chest. I'm hoping she gradually feels better about it with time - last night she was in tears because she thought it was her fault he didn't want to see her...
DeleteIt's a tough one. My daughters birth dad is absent but because he lives overseas we really cant do anything to get him to pay child support. He doesn not want to and never will. It's unfair on my child but I guess thats how it is.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about that Angela, it's so sad that so many of us are in similar situations. My partner cannot understand why some fathers act this way - he treats my daughter as his own and would do anything for her!
DeleteIt's a really tough one. Have you told him that your daughter has been asking after him? x
ReplyDeleteNo, I've not mentioned anything to him yet because I want her to be certain if she wants to see him or not. Once she's thought about it properly, I will then tell him she wants to see him :)
DeleteI see where you are coming from. Best thing is to let your daughter decide. Am sure you are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stella, I'm hoping she sees it that way later in life :)
DeleteOh gosh I have so much experience of absent fathers - I could rattle on for days. My only advice in a nutshell is to put your daughters needs first. That is it. The money is incidental. I didn't want my daughter baling me for stopping her seeing him. She will make her own mind up about him in her own time and way. Good luck with everything, it is so hard. Kaz x
ReplyDeleteThanks Kaz! I'm hoping it doesn't affect her too badly - she was in tears about it the other night... :(
DeleteI am not even going to comment as I will just rant away
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely an annoying problem which affects too many these days...
DeleteI do not have kids yet and can not even imagine your situation especially for your daughter but you've raised her almost single handedly for a decade and you've done an awesome job. If an one point she wants to contact him or vice versa let them but for now just focus on her.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'm hoping she doesn't suffer any lasting damage from this part of her life...
DeleteI am at a loss at how someone can shrug parental responsibility. No words, really.
ReplyDeleteI could never ignore my children the way her father ignores her, it's a horrible way to treat someone :(
DeleteI've been in your daughters position and completely understand how you must feel. From my perspective I think she will eventually find out herself what kind of a man he is. I reached out to my real dad through letters and he continually disappointed me but I needed to do that myself. Just keep being there doing what you do being the best parents she could hope for and if she decides to reach out to him then I'd support it as her curiosity will never go away otherwise
ReplyDeleteAliceMegan
Thanks, I wish I could understand more of what she is going through, but I will support her in whatever she chooses :)
DeleteI do understand this... I've blogged about my long saga with the CSA/CMS. The difference in my situation is that my son's father insists on contact and always tries to insert himself as a model of perfect fatherhood, but has refused to pay a penny of child maintenance for 10 years! He used every loophole available, and is now just simply refusing to pay. All the best with your case and as I've also been on the other end as a daughter with an absent father, I hope your daughter comes to terms with her father's actions in her own time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words, and I'm sorry to hear about your situation too - I just can't understand fathers who don't want to contribute to their child's upbringing! My ex now seems to have dropped off the face of the earth, so I'm trying to track him down and see what's going on...
DeleteI just wrote a long post and completely lost it, so I will make it brief. My biological dad was very similar. My mum got payment of CSA until I was 21 due to his arrears. She fought to get £20 a week from him. I met him for the first time at 10 and he moaned at her for fighting for the money she deserved as a single mother with not the best support elsewhere. Your daughter unfortunately will realise for herself. It's an awful lesson that parents don't always love you or care. However I got an amazing REAL dad in my mum's husband who came on the scene when I was 12. He's been there for me through my teen tantrums, passing my GCSEs, fundraising events, climbing kilimanjaro, graduating uni and many more things to come. Be the best mum I'm sure you are, that's what counts. I saw my mum as my best friend, mother, sister, dad and much more.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your kind comment Jodie, and I'm sorry about your original post being lost! Bringing up children can often be hard, as I'm sure you Mum knows, and I often struggle with the injustice of it all! Thankfully, my daughter knows she is loved and my partner makes sure she is included completely in his family, regardless of her biological origin. I'm sure she will eventually come across her biological Dad, but I know she has enough information and maturity to make her own decision about him! :)
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