Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Am I Managing?

It’s been two weeks since we found out our little bean had died, and I still feel lost.

It’s not like this was the first time – back in January, and again in March, we were in exactly the same position – I should know what to do now, right?
Even though this is my third consecutive miscarriage (fourth overall), it doesn’t seem to get any easier. If anything, it’s even more difficult now because we can’t try again until both of us are tested to check for underlying conditions.
But I have two kids, so I know I can have healthy babies!
When we were back in the hospital, after having my uterus surgically evacuated again, I swore to Paul that this would be the last time, I couldn’t take any more chances that we would face this again… but now, I’m not so sure. Whenever I see pregnant people, or baby adverts, or even come across any of my friends’ family happiness on Facebook, I just can’t help but feel overwhelming despair. I would never wish bad things on other people, but the only thing that keeps popping into my mind is ‘why does everyone else seem to get their happiness, but not me?’
I suppose the thing that set me off today was a completely unrelated event – a simple phone call to the tax credit people.
Both myself and Paul have been working really hard recently, although it’s mostly Paul’s continued efforts to excel in his work, that now means we are in a position to not require tax credits anymore. After claiming this help for approximately 10 years, it’s such a great feeling to know that we are now supporting our family on our own two feet… that is, until we got an unexpected repayment bill for almost £800!
I’m not debating that we owe money, and fully intend to pay back the overpayments we received, but I’ve only had letters stating we owe half that value, and the phone call today explained that it was actually double.
I’ve been trying to cope, and normally a revelation like this would be easily sorted, but my fragile state of mind has not allowed any sort of logical thinking on my part. Paul has explained that this was the value he was expecting, and not to worry, he will sort everything.
I love my man and I really want to feel better, but I ain’t half struggling to get my shit together…
My Mum phoned me this afternoon and suggested I get some medication to help me out, but I don’t want to be stuck taking a bunch of anti-depressants again – it’s not like you can keep taking them when you’re pregnant, so it would feel like yet another barrier to expanding our family.
In an effort to feel better, we started a family vlog to try and ease our pain – shameless plug here, but I’d love it if you’d check it out – and it does help a little, but we try so hard to seem completely normal for the camera, that it feels like we are forgetting our angel babies.
Writing this blog is another outlet that I use to cope, but, again, it only goes so far towards improving my state of mind.
The well wishes and support we have received, from both friends and strangers alike, has been fantastic and I thank everyone who helped to improve our mood. I wrote this post today with the hope that explaining my feelings in more detail could improve things further… but I can’t help but think that the only thing to truly make things better, will be cradling another little baby in our arms…
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  1. I'm so so sorry for your losses & that you're going through such a tough time. I'm a health visitor & see lots of families who have been dealt a whole heap of cr*p in life. There are lots of antidepressants which are safe to take during pregnancy. It may be worth having a chat to your GP about it. The thing with antidepressants is that they often are the thing that can life is out of the 'fug' enough to help us to deal with how we're feeling. I'm by no means saying that they're the only way but maybe don't rule it out as an option?

    Any way, I've rambled on! Lots of love to you x

    1. Thanks so much for the advice, I'm looking in to it and hope to feel better soon. I'm also hoping it's not too long until I get a referral letter from the recurrent miscarriage team, I'm really hoping to get help from them too!

  2. Your lose honestly breaks my heart, I can't even imagine what you're going through!! Although I feel the need to say well done! Stay strong and you'll get through this, by the sounds of this post you're managing as well as anyone could, it can't be easy but you're coping. Best luck in the future I'm sure it's bright x

    1. Thanks, I'm hoping things start to look up soon... we just keep telling ourselves that we can hopefully help others with our story x


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